Today I feel like writing—or rather, screaming at the whole world—but more specifically at you, the father of my child, who chose to give up everything for drugs.
I’ve tried to understand, tried to find a way to put everything on hold and figure out the whys and wherefores… but I haven’t been able to. I’ve tried to understand what could be stronger than love, what could be more important than family, but I haven’t been able to. Yet you’ve chosen to walk away from it all without even looking back to see the harm you’re causing those around you.
I carried our son for nine months; I gave birth so you could be a father; I wanted to give you the most beautiful thing there is—and believe me, in my eyes, there will never be anything more beautiful than my son. But you needed more—you needed to feel in control, you needed to find peace inside your own mind. You realized you wouldn’t find that inner peace on your own, so you took the path that seemed most obvious—the one that would both guide and heal you. But you took the wrong path; you chose the road that leads to hell—the easy way out.
A phone, $100, a hit, inner peace. Forget the misery, the pain, the suffering, the sadness, the anger, the heartbreak, life itself. But for how long, tell me? This world you’re floating in isn’t real. It keeps you from seeing everything that was disturbing your inner peace, yet this is life—your life—and you alone are responsible for it.
I’d like to understand what drives a person to give up everything just to get high for a few hours… and start all over again… and again… and again. Until the day you tell yourself this is the last hit, and then you’ll get your life back on track. But the “last” one becomes the “first” one again… and you can’t stop because the control you thought you had is actually controlled by the drug. And what does a person do who no longer has any control over their life but thinks they have it all? They keep going, increase the dose, and little by little destroy whatever hope remained deep inside them. And what does a person do when they have no hope left? I don’t know, but I do know that as long as these people haven’t hit rock bottom, there’s nothing that can be done.
Trying to help someone who refuses help is like asking a child to stop loving their parents. It’s IMPOSSIBLE. I’m writing these words because the hope I had for you has vanished. I’ve chosen to focus my love and energy on our son—my son. I’m aware that you might die—you don’t realize it, but I know that all it takes is one wrong dose for your heart to stop.
Who’s going to have to explain to our 2-year-old son that Daddy isn’t coming back? That Daddy’s gone? All without mentioning the real reason you’re gone, of course. Because the last thing any sane parent wants is to hurt their child.
He’ll always remember the image of a smiling, comforting dad, because he’s never seen you lose control. Throughout his childhood, I’ll tell him beautiful stories about you—those kind words you used to say to him when he woke up at night and needed comfort. I’ll do everything I can to make sure the love he has for you stays in his heart forever. No child should have to live with the feeling that they’ve failed. The only failure is you.
An anonymous mom