After this emotionally charged day, I head home in silence. I did something I wasn’t entirely for or against, because there are always different situations and reasons for each and every person. However, I never thought I would have to do it myself, or even that this decision would one day be a possibility for me.
I’m heading home now, my stomach empty. There was this little star that had taken root inside me. I wanted so badly to meet her, but several factors—financial concerns, a job change, already having children, and so on—came into play. I made this decision for the sake of my family.
I’ve always wanted to have another child, to bring new life into the world. Unfortunately, at that time, I wasn’t able to. I did it so I could focus on the children I already have and give them the best I possibly can.
It’s been two months now since you went to heaven. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about it. These days, when I see other babies, I tell myself I could have had another little one just like that. When I pass a pregnant woman, my instinct is to touch my belly because I could be that woman right now. I wonder if you would have been a little boy or a little girl.
On the one hand, I’d have liked to know, but why? To torture myself even more? For now, I call you my star, and I think that’s for the best. I cry often; I still wonder if I made the right choice. I know it’s pointless, because I can’t turn back time, but I still feel guilty. On the other hand, I look at my other children and tell myself that I couldn’t have been the mother I am to them if I hadn’t made that decision.
I still hope that one day, another speck of an angel will find a home inside me. It won’t be anytime soon, because I’m definitely not mentally ready to move on. But when our family situation improves.
I still have a hard time using the word—that word that’s taboo for some—abortion. So it’s even harder for me to say that I had an abortion. For now, only Dad and I know about it. Will I ever tell the others? I have no idea. Right now, I’m talking about it with specialists just to help me get through my grief, even though I know deep down that I made the right choice.
Yes, I had an abortion. Even if one day I come to terms with my decision, I don’t know if I’ll talk about it. Maybe I will, to help others who have gone through or will go through the same thing, but on the other hand, it’s a personal choice I made, and it’s nobody’s business but my own. I don’t care that this topic is taboo, or that some people are for it and others are against it. I believe you can never truly judge until you’ve actually faced the situation yourself.
To be continued…