Editor’s Note: This article was written by a contributor and not by Maman Caféine.
I’ll start this post by saying that I really love my mother-in-law. She’s a woman I greatly admire—someone who has taken care of her family her whole life and who wants the best for her children… and her grandchildren. In fact, it’s partly because of her (excessive) involvement in my children’s upbringing that there’s often friction between us.
Many people would say I’m ungrateful for thinking my mother-in-law gets too involved with my kids, but there’s a difference between being involved—spending time with them—and imposing herself on decisions that affect them. At one point, she even went so far as to meddle between my partner and me and try to influence him to make certain choices for our children. One day, I’d had enough and had a talk with my boyfriend. It had gotten to the point where I was questioning our relationship… I had children with my partner, not with my mother-in-law, and my boyfriend’s passivity toward his mother was unbearable.
Credit: Charlie Foster/Unsplash
Dealing with the (in-laws) is never easy. I’m sure you understand what I mean. Our parents have to adjust to their new role as grandparents, and that doesn’t come naturally to everyone. With my own parents, for example, I quickly set certain boundaries, such as not correcting me when I’m interacting with my children. If they disagree with something I do, they’re absolutely welcome to talk to me about it—I’m open and receptive to criticism—but I’d appreciate it if they discussed it with me in private, not in front of the kids. That said, it was more complicated to set these kinds of boundaries with my in-laws, because I simply wasn’t comfortable having that kind of conversation with them. It would have had to come from my partner, but he wasn’t comfortable with the idea either… So we let the situation escalate to a point of no return, where my mother-in-law actually called my partner to talk “behind my back.” After that call, he realized we had to take action if we wanted to preserve the bond between our children and their paternal grandmother.
Credit: RODNAE Productions/Pexels
The Conversation
As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, I love my mother-in-law very much and admire her loyalty to her family. By focusing on that feeling, I was able to get past my initial anger and understand that she isn’t acting this way to hurt me, but rather because she truly cares about her grandchildren’s well-being. This realization formed the basis for the conversation my partner and I were going to have with her. Armed with a clear plan for the discussion, my partner and I sat down with her to explain our point of view. She listened to us and asked for some time to think it over. A few days later, it was her turn to call us in for a talk.
In Hindsight
After reflecting on what we’d told her, my mother-in-law realized she’d crossed our boundaries. In her defense, since the boundaries had never been made clear to her, it was hard for her to realize she was crossing them. She admitted to us that it would be quite a challenge for her to be mindful of how she interacted with her grandchildren, but that she had realized that everyone’s harmony depended on it. On the other hand, she asked us if we could check in with her a little more often. She explained that one of the reasons she was so involved was that she was afraid of missing important milestones in our children’s lives. And since we didn’t always take the time to write to her, call her, or even see her, she felt hurt and left out.
My Advice
After going through this situation, I realized several things. I’m far from being an expert, and if your situation is very complex, I recommend consulting a psychologist, but otherwise, here are a few tips that might help you.
- Stay Empathetic: Everyone has their own reasons for acting the way they do. By staying empathetic, we’re able to be open to listening to the other person and finding common ground.
- Maintain or develop good communication: Communication (and respect) is the key to any healthy relationship. This applies to literally all our relationships. To prevent conflicts from escalating, it’s important to talk about what’s bothering you before you really “lose it.”
- Your family comes first: This advice might seem strange to you, but let me explain. Your immediate family is your partner and your children, isn’t it? Grandparents, while part of the family, aren’t at the core of it. That’s why it’s important to always prioritize your immediate family above all else. In my situation, I was trying too hard to please everyone; I wanted to avoid conflict, and that ended up putting a huge strain on my relationship. If I’d prioritized my family over my relationship with my mother-in-law, maybe things would have worked out faster.
What about you? Have you ever been in a difficult situation with your mother-in-law? How did you resolve it?