Hi, my second baby! (And to any others out there—you never know.) I need to talk to you.
I’ll tell you right away: I don’t know yet if I’m going to bring you into the world. The real reason I’m hesitating to bring you into the world—the reason that makes me doubt—is unusual, I think.
Of course, there’s that guilt about bringing you into this world… but I’m trying not to think about it.
You might also think it’s because your existence would ruin my brain—I’m afraid that’s true. It’s well known that we mothers all lose a bit of our intelligence when we bring our children into the world. I’ve already had your brother—what would I have left if I had to give up another bit? But that’s not why I’m hesitating.
Otherwise, I might be hesitating because I don’t want to overload my schedule. A class here, an appointment there, errands to run. I’m already running around quite a bit, I’ll tell you. But that’s not it either.
It would also put my poor heart on the line—it would skip a beat twice as often when I see you both. Twice as much anxiety. Twice as many worries about what you’re doing, how you’re doing, and whether you’re okay while I’m at work. I don’t know if I could handle it…
It could also be that I’m afraid I won’t be able to love you as much as your big brother, who is my whole life. That I’ll refuse to split my time between the two of you, that I’ll be afraid of having a favorite or even of abandoning my first baby, of no longer being able to devote myself to him as much as when he was the only one.
But that’s not it… actually, it’s worse than all that: I’m afraid of loving you that much.
You see, I love your big brother so much that sometimes it hurts, it twists my insides, and tears sting my eyes. I don’t know if my heart can handle getting any bigger, do you understand? I’m afraid my heart will swell so full of love that it’ll end up bursting. I already love you too much, and you’re still just a thought—so imagine…
But you know, I think I love you too much to never meet you. We’ll see if life allows it, but until then, I’m telling you this: I love you…