I’ve heard that phrase so many times. Too many times. It’s the same kind of encouragement you give a child who didn’t win the race: “It’s all about taking part!” We all know that not finishing first is a little heartbreak.
Hope: we create it, we hold onto it, we forget it! Does it really exist? It serves to keep us waiting, to soften the blows of injury and disappointment. It’s waiting with great confidence for our wish to come true.
Several years ago, I started having sex differently. Without protection. No alarms to remind me to take a birth control pill. I was making love differently—more gently, more mindfully. I was trying to conceive a little baby. Between thrusts, I can tell you I was full of hope. Right from the first month, I bought a $20 pregnancy test. Even though I chose the one rated best in surveys, it was defective. Only one line appeared. The following month, I chose a different brand. A little cheaper this time, but just as well-regarded. Once again, it was defective. Months went by, and I must have tried every pregnancy test on the market. Some months, I’d take more than one just to confirm the negative results. After a year, I’d spent the equivalent of a trip down south. I also wore my heart out. I had difficult conversations with my partner, during which I accused him of not measuring up.
Making love was no longer such a pleasure, but a chore. I knew the days on the calendar by heart. Every day my period was late gave me a little hope. The people around me kept telling me to believe, to have faith.
Two years went by. Then, after talking it over, my partner and I decided to change our plans. Because not being able to have a baby—when you know exactly how it’s done—creates tension, disappointment, anger, and heartache. There was a lot of tension in our home. As for me, I had exhausted my entire supply of tears.
I decided to take the plunge and find myself a new job—one that would let me escape a little and keep my mind occupied. I stopped counting the days on the calendar. I made love simply because I wanted to.
My new job was stressing me out a bit. Learning the software, meeting my new coworkers… It made me feel sick to my stomach. I was exhausted at the end of every day.
In fact, the baby had been nesting for over a month.
I know we’re all different. For some, hormones will be necessary; for others, it might even be impossible. Some get pregnant at the mere sight of a penis; others take many years to conceive.
Keep hope alive, girl—when your head stops trying and your heart takes over, a little bundle of joy will quietly make itself at home. Let it come; it’ll arrive at the right time—don’t worry.