During my fourth pregnancy, I was asked several times if I was afraid my fourth child might be autistic. I remember the first time someone asked me that question: I was at the doctor’s office, chatting with a mom who was also waiting for her appointment. We were sharing bits and pieces of our lives, and it turned out she also has a child with autism. She confided in me that, after that, she didn’t want any more children, overcome by the fear that the next ones might be autistic too.
Then there was the time someone asked me the question, pointing out that a study seemed to show that if you have one autistic child, there’s a 90% chance your next children will be, too. Or another time when someone told me that taking antidepressants increases the risk of having an autistic child by 80%. Because you should know that I had to take them while I was pregnant—just to keep me from jumping off a bridge!
Every single time, I responded with faith and confidence that it didn’t worry me at all, that I was firmly convinced God was in control and that He would give me a child along with the ability to care for them. And honestly, I never for a second thought it was possible—that I wouldn’t have another child with autism.
Once my little Logan arrived, it turned everything upside down. Logan seems to be a high-needs baby—he’s attached to my breasts 28 hours a day, cries a lot, wants to be held constantly… in short, he reminds me in every way of Antoine when he was a baby. And then…I had a flashback to all the times I was asked if I was scared, and my answer now would be… yes, I’m scared.
I’m scared, and that’s a good thing, because it allows me to put my worries in God’s hands. Anyway, there’s nothing I can do to change it now. It’s a good thing, because it prepares me for a possibility that might arise, and I’ll be ready. It’s a good thing, because it reminds me that I’m human and not Superwoman, that it’s okay, and above all, that we need to talk about it.
It’s okay to be worried, and it’s part of our lives as star parents. We just can’t let that fear paralyze us or try to control everything—we have to have faith, faith that everything will turn out for the best… well, I hope so!
Star Mom
Alexandra aka Blue Mom