First off, if you’re absolutely terrified of childbirth, DON’T READ THIS!!!
But if you’re curious to find out what people don’t say so as not to scare an expectant mom—or if you want to feel less alone because you, too, have been through that terrifying experience… Enjoy!
- You’ll be afraid it’ll hurt when you first pee
Especially if the OB took longer to stitch you up than to deliver your baby. Use the little urinal they give you—it’s your new best friend!
- There’s a good chance your vagina will tear
You know, a baby isn’t exactly small. You’re going to burst.
- Are you dead set on getting an epidural? Well, it might not work when you go into labor
You’re going to be in pain!!!
- a) On the other hand, if it worked well, you might find it takes forever to get your legs back!
- If your water breaks, you have no idea how much water your body can hold!
It’s not just a little pee! Make sure to put on a sanitary pad before heading to the hospital. I didn’t take any chances here. I lined my underwear with a newborn diaper.
- When people tell you that contractions hurt and you think at first that you’re in pain… just wait—you’ll see what real pain feels like!
I can’t think of anything comparable—there just isn’t anything!
- When they place your baby on your belly, he doesn’t just slide right off, does he? You’re not quite sure where to hold him
You’ll quickly forget that he’s not clean and you’ll touch him even if it means getting your hands dirty. You’ll probably go ahead and kiss him anyway—after all, you’ve been waiting for him for 9 months!
- You’ll poop
Let’s face it—to push a baby out, you have to push for a really long time. Once you get to that point, you do what’s asked of you, and your body pushes from every direction!
- After giving birth, they’ll press really hard on your stomach, as if you were being run over by a steamroller
You have to expel the placenta. It’ll feel like the nurses are trying to reach your spine—but through your stomach. Not exactly pleasant.
- Do you think your period lasts a long time?
Watch out for the “red tide” after nine months of calm! It’ll last at least four weeks—and that’s if you’re lucky.
- The delivery is behind you, but you’ll still have contractions
You’re holding a beautiful baby in your arms. He’s only been alive for five hours, and you’re still having contractions. WTF? The fancy name for this is “afterpains.” Google it! If you’re breastfeeding, it’s even worse!
- Lochia
Just the name is gross. Well, so is what’s in your underwear! Basically, clots of blood.
- Postpartum bowel movements
Shit on top of shit—that’s the right word! A rock you need to pass. It’s not uncommon to get constipated. Drink some prune juice, girl, but not too much if you’re breastfeeding because it’ll affect the baby too. Scout’s honor!
Despite all that, it’s going to be one of the most beautiful moments of your life
Have a great delivery!