Are you familiar with the English expression “pushover”? That’s what we in Quebec call someone who “lets people walk all over them.” I often think I’m one. In fact, I’m convinced I am.
There’s no doubt in my mind that I often let people walk all over me. Maybe out of fear of upsetting them? All I know is that the only people I’m able to stand up to are those closest to me. I know that my mom, my boyfriend, and my friends will probably forgive me for my outbursts of anger and our disagreements. I’m confident that in the end, even if our opinions differ, we’ll find a way to work things out.
When it comes to strangers or people around whom I feel less comfortable being myself, I tend to hold back. I keep my opinion to myself or share it with someone who will listen without judging me, or who will help me resolve the situation. How can I know how people will react to my emotions? Will they take advantage of me, using my vulnerability against me? Will this moment define the relationship I have with this person?
I don’t like conflicts; I avoid them like the plague. At least, until the situation becomes unbearable and I have to “defend” myself. If someone attacks me, I’ll respond… but not right away. Often, I respond only after giving a lot of thought to how things will unfold and the possible consequences. I like to stay in control as much as possible (in case it wasn’t clear yet, I’m also the type control freak, haha!) especially my emotions, because I’m very emotional. I don’t like it when people manage to hurt me so quickly, so easily. And often, even though I don’t like confrontations, I wish I could stand up to people, not let my feelings get the better of me, and push my insecurities and fears far behind me. Because deep down, when you think about it, do these people who try to hurt me really care about me? Are they even aware of the hurt they’ve caused me?
Since becoming a mom, I’ve had the chance to see both the good and the bad in people. Our perceptions change, too, and I find it easier now to voice my disagreements. I even feel this visceral need to stand tall and express my choices clearly without having to justify them. How can I defend my child if I can’t clearly set my boundaries? Like all the challenges we often face, I feel that my life’s journey will lead me toward better management of conflict situations and help me face them with confidence rather than hiding. Personal growth and positive change don’t happen overnight, but becoming aware of this allows me to choose to improve myself and no longer let my fears dictate how I resolve conflicts.