I already had a lot on my mind before the baby arrived, and it’s only gotten worse since the baby was born. But what exactly is mental load?
I think mental load is everything that’s said, left unsaid, and lingers in our thoughts. It’s like a jumble of words in your head: dentist appointment at 8 a.m., buy two bananas, don’t forget soccer practice at 8:30 a.m., I really need to take care of that… In short, a real headache! So how do we cope with it and not go crazy?
I’d say writing down our thoughts is a good start, but above all, avoid that famous phrase: “Leave it to me, I’ll do it.” That phrase puts extra pressure on our minds and implies: “I’ll do it to get it done faster or so it’s done my way.” But at what cost?
Yes, your chili peppers might not be cut into tiny 1-mm-by-1-mm squares but rather into strips—but at least they’ll be cut! We call this letting go of the little things in life. That’s what I try to practice as much as possible, and it’s really lightened my mental load.
At first, it’s true that I had to talk myself through it and reassure myself by saying, “He’s doing it—not my way, but he’s doing it.” “He” being my partner. Over time, I’ve learned to relax and stop trying to control everything. I wasn’t controlling in my relationship, but I was when it came to household chores and cooking. With the arrival of our baby, this became obvious to me, because I lost control over daily tasks. Since my baby was a high-needs baby, the situation completely threw me off balance and took me out of my comfort zone. So, for my mental well-being, I had to learn to delegate and stop trying to do everything myself. I’ve always had a partner who wanted to be involved, but unfortunately, I realized that sometimes I tended to mother him by saying, “Let it go—I’ll do it.” This sometimes made him feel incompetent and added to my mental load. Was it all just so everything would be perfect? I don’t know. It must stem from my childhood, since I grew up in an era when fathers worked long hours and mothers stayed home. My mother was probably my role model, and subconsciously I replicated what I experienced. But now, everything has changed, and I let my partner take the lead. Even if the dusting isn’t done exactly as I’d have liked, at least it’s done.
So, I challenge you to try this! It might be difficult at first, but talk it out with each other and don’t interfere when your partner is trying a new task—and you’ll feel a weight lifted off your mind. My partner is now the expert at doing the laundry!