Before I begin, I want to tell you that I have great respect for hospital staff. These people go above and beyond for their patients and sometimes have to do a lot with very little. Also, during both of my childbirths, I was fortunate to be surrounded by an amazing team: passionate doctors, a competent anesthesiologist (phew!), patient nurses… but I also encountered a real phenomenon: the overzealous nurse.
After Zorro, here comes Zollo: the masked woman who saves new parents from the gravest dangers threatening their offspring. #welcome to my imaginary world Moms probably remember this (or maybe not: the “I’ve-just-been-split-in-two-and-I-don’t-want-to-remember-every-detail” postpartum hormones often do their job); the hospital gives us a list with every imaginable question about our brand-new baby. Then, the nurse is happy to answer us with lovely phrases straight out of *Mieux-vivre*. Even though this was my second baby, I wanted to refresh my memory on certain topics, and here’s what I learned:
- A crib should contain two things: one fitted sheet and a baby in pajamas. That’s it. Period. Don’t even think about swaddling your little treasure in a small blanket—you could suffocate them. The same goes for putting little mittens on them to keep them from scratching themselves, or so I’ve been told. So, I’m telling all the baby stores out there: you’ll have to burn your entire inventory of cute stuffed animals—even those little muslin swaddles we love so much. They’re deadly dangerous. (laughs)
- Never use disposable wipes on my daughter’s genitals. It could kill her. Or at least cause side effects just as bad as death, according to my nurse. (laughs again)
- Keep my little one in my room for the first 6 months. Because she has a 3-year-old big brother who might try to pick her up out of her crib and drop her. Um… I don’t think I’ve introduced you to my son yet, but just so you know, he won’t even carry a pint of milk because he thinks it’s too heavy. I think we’re safe. I’d like to know the REAL reason why they suggest she stay in my room until she’s 6 months old. Thanks.
- And above all, ABOVE ALL, never forget to set an alarm at night to go feed the baby because YES, a baby will starve to death!
If I’d given birth for the first time, know this, dear Zollo: I probably would’ve listened to you. I would’ve deprived Cocotte of her little, lightweight comfort blanket—the one she loves to rub her little cheeks against to fall asleep. I would have kept a small pot of water with cloth washcloths next to the changing table. It would have been more eco-friendly, I’ll grant you that, but I would have spent my precious time changing the water for fear that nasty bacteria would attack my princess. I might be in the middle of a divorce right now (oh wait, that’s right—I still don’t have a ring on my finger, do I, Honey?) because having the baby in our bedroom for so long would have robbed us of our all-too-rare moments together. And I’d be even more of a zombie than I am right now, thanks to all those premeditated nighttime wake-ups.
I don’t blame you, Zollo—you were just doing your job. And there are safety guidelines that must be followed. But you made me realize that we all make our own choices as parents, and that for me, choosing to follow your advice would probably have made me a less good mom, given my own limitations, values, and priorities!