“Once again, did I do the right thing? I have no idea. I know I hurt him, and that hurts me deeply—he didn’t deserve that. Cleaning house—a major cleanup—but how am I going to manage it? How am I going to do it? How long will it take for my heart to heal and forget, to be able to start over on a better footing?
I can’t tell, right here and now, if I did the right thing. I’m hurting inside; I’m afraid I made a mistake, but how would I have known without trying? I’ll probably come across as the bad guy, the bitch, the monster, but it seems to me that it would have been worse to keep going and just keep trying… nothing has healed: my mind, my heart, my soul. Will I be able—able—to forget it all so I can start over on a fresh note? I’m scared; I’m hurting.
I don’t know what he’s thinking; I hope he understands that this has nothing to do with him, that it wasn’t against him, but rather about me—my damn head. I feel that he truly loved me, that I was valued, but why wasn’t I able to clear my mind and start over from scratch? Why did I have to drag another completely innocent person into my damn drama? Why did I have to cause more pain to those around me?
He didn’t deserve this; he’s a good person with wonderful qualities—yes, he has flaws too, but who doesn’t? I can’t demand perfection, because it doesn’t exist, and I, for one, am far from perfect. I’d like to take him in my arms and hold him tight, but the damage is done—I think that would have made things worse. I didn’t lie to him; I told him the whole truth. Will he believe me? I have no idea, but at least I know that I’ve been honest with myself. I feel empty inside, staring into the void, my life feeling hollow… it’s not exactly a joyful state.
I need to do some serious cleaning in my head, but my vacuum is full of dust and I can’t seem to empty it… I don’t know how to do it, it seems. There I go again—I’m all mixed up.
I get his message, and I’m all over the place—I don’t know what to say or what to do. I know he loves me, but right now, I just don’t know anymore. It’s only been a few days, and I can’t shake this image from my mind. Going back so soon—I don’t think that’s the answer to all my problems… I don’t want to hurt him any more, I don’t want to leave him hanging, but I also don’t know what’s in store for me! I don’t know anymore—I don’t know what to do, what to think, I don’t even know what he’s thinking… even though he texted me, I don’t know—I just don’t know anymore. I feel like I need time—time to think, to sort everything out, if you can even call it “order.” I know full well that it’s over with him, but I don’t know what’s left—yet it’s still there, for now. I don’t know how long it will last, but I hope with all my heart that it will go away very soon.”
It’s already been about twelve years since I wrote this… If this can be a small glimmer of hope for those who hesitate to choose themselves and put themselves first, well, know that even though I loved this man very much, I in no way regret the choice I made that day. I have very fond memories of the moments I spent with him, which likely shaped the person I am today.