My beautiful, big boy!
At three and a half years old, I watch you discover the world through your child’s eyes. I often see you marveling at such small things—little things that we adults no longer take the time to notice. It’s a shame when you think about it. I’d love so much to see life through your child’s eyes, just for a little while—just so I can remember what it’s like!
My big boy, I watch you make sense of the world. You’re so eager to know everything. You’re so smart—you learn at an incredible pace. You ask questions—often! Not to say all the time! But that’s normal for a boy your age. Sometimes you ask questions, and the answers are easy to find. But there’s a little part of me, hidden deep inside, that dreads the moment when I won’t be able to find answers to your questions, my love. A part of me that dreads the questions that will break my heart.
One day, you’ll ask me questions that might seem trivial to many people; you’ll want to know what I was like when I was little, and I’ll probably answer, with tears in my eyes, that Mom has very few memories of that time, and that the ones she does have aren’t very happy. You’ll ask me what my teenage years were like, and I’ll answer, somewhat embarrassed, that Mom made some bad decisions that took her far—too far. As a former addict, I’ll probably stay very vague in what I say, because I won’t want to tell you just how much your mom literally “wasted” what should have been the best years of her life. Because I wouldn’t want to explain to you why Mom hurt herself—on purpose—for so long, and that she’ll carry the scars on her skin for the rest of her life. Mom will keep her answers vague in order to protect you. I know, my baby, that you’ll make your own choices, and I’ll have no control over the decisions you make. However, if I can prevent you from feeling any attraction to that kind of thrill, I’ll do it.
Fortunately, I didn’t just make bad decisions! In my mid-twenties, I decided to completely turn my life around. I met your dad, stopped going out and drinking, bought a house, and—sooner than expected—you arrived! My beautiful little boy! And then your sister came to join us. When you ask me questions about that part of my life, I’ll answer you with complete confidence and joy. It’s not that I’m ashamed of my past, my little wolf, but since it’s not exactly something to be proud of, I’ll never bring it up on my own.
On the other hand, it’s thanks to all of that that I’ve become the strong and caring mom I am today. Thanks to that, I know what kind of mom I want to be—not the one I had. Because of it, I know that when you hit rock bottom, you grow strong from trying to make your way back to the surface. Because of it, I know that you create your own happiness and that when you make the right decisions, life rewards you.
One day, you’ll probably ask me what happiness is, and I’ll tell you that it’s about creating your own world, surrounding yourself with the right people, having no regrets, and living life to the fullest.
You’re growing up fast and already asking lots of questions, but my mother’s heart hopes you’ll stay little long enough for me to tell you once again that you can only see the stars after the sun goes down.