Will you forgive me for not having been myself for several months now? The person you knew was energetic, cheerful, determined, and wouldn’t back down from anything. She always had dozens of projects and a schedule that was packed every day of the week. She always woke up full of energy, ready to take on each new day. She was confident and wasn’t afraid to stand up for her opinions.
That girl was me. That was me before the hormones and fertility treatments that have taken over my life for the past year. Now, her schedule is dictated by her ovulation cycle. She’s constantly tired and has given up on her activities. The months go by, one after another, all looking the same. The same routines and the same clinic appointments repeat themselves every month, just like the mood swings caused by her medication. Then come her hope and anxiety about the pregnancy test every month.
What if the woman I am right now is changing the way you see me? That question pops up from time to time during the toughest moments. Do you love me just as much, knowing that this is temporary and that I’ll be back to my old self once we’ve gotten through this? This sacrifice of myself and my body—I’m making it for us. I’m doing it so we can start our own family. Even though I’ve been questioning my whole life lately, your place in my life is what allows me to stay strong and keep facing this challenge that life has put before us.
We’re getting through these long months together. Know, too, that your support and love are what keep me going as I imagine the day we’ll hold our child in our arms. It’s this image of you, me, and this little one that keeps me from giving up.
Our values and our lives have been turned upside down, but despite everything, I already know that this journey has transformed us into new, much better versions of ourselves. These challenges have forced us to pause and reflect on ourselves. They’ve also allowed us to become even stronger—both individually and as a couple.
To everyone else going through these same difficulties, know that you must accept the emotions you’re feeling and that your questions and worries are valid. Take care of yourselves during this waiting period by making time for yourselves.