I’ve always wanted to bring them into the world, to become their mom. For as long as I can remember, they’ve been part of the plan, part of my future. I’d even planned to have a big brother and a little sister—the classic pair. And that’s exactly what happened. But beyond the dream, beyond what I thought I could offer them, there was one thing I hadn’t considered: what if I wasn’t strong enough to be a mom?
What if I didn’t have the strength to say no to them—or at least, not often enough? Because I love to spoil them. Because there’s nothing better than the smile on their faces when they see a little surprise. Because they have that little je ne sais quoi that makes me melt, and they’ve figured out exactly how to manipulate me. Because I don’t like conflict and sometimes I just want to buy some peace.
What if I’m not strong enough to handle this parental pressure? And the judgment from other moms? Because instead of supporting each other, some prefer to turn motherhood into a competition. What if I just can’t be the mom who takes care of herself while preparing healthy, homemade meals in a house that’s always “spick and span”?
What if I’m not strong enough to handle rejection? Because I’ve given birth to two independent kids, just like me. Kids who completely ignore me when I come back from daycare. Kids who run away from my hugs and whom I have to lock up in the “kiss prison.” Two little ones who have their own games, who entertain themselves, and don’t need me to join in.
What if, once they’re teenagers, I just don’t have the strength to deal with our disagreements? Because there will be some—major crises. The kind we think are irreparable. Conflicts that tear us apart inside and destroy everything. They’ll have their own lives, their own opinions, their own values, their own secrets. What if I just can’t bear to watch them drift away from me little by little?
I ask myself these questions every day, because my self-confidence—especially as a mom—is a constant struggle. But there’s one thing I’m certain of: despite my fragility, my children have inherited a loving mother who’s doing her VERY BEST. And that is my greatest strength!
Joëlle